Happy Holidays to all of you out there in Inter-webs Land!
It's been a great holiday season here in Oz. The roast turkey trees have been plucked clean and we are all in a tryptophan and carbs induced stupor which induces a kind of mystical trance state in those residing in magically imbued realms. In this condition we are able to peer through the temporal fog and glimpse the major happenings of 2016 and reporting them back to you.
January: UK Prime Minister David Cameron will be discovered to be the source of numerous anonymous obscene emails to Muppet star Miss Piggy. This will lead to a major religious tumult as the nation's leading imams and rabbis will be forced to declare Britain non-halal and non-kosher. The Queen will ultimately step in and citing obscure, historic law to have Cameron locked away in the Tower of London, where he is forced to pose with tourists from Texas for the next 6 months. Stepping into the leadership void for the Tory party will be London Mayor Boris Johnson.
February: The GOP primary will be in a neck-to-neck tie forcing candidates to become ever more creative in their efforts to stand out from the pack. Donald Trump will begin dressing his campaign in brown shirts and finance an expedition to the center of the earth to find the Aryan Supermen of Thule to solicit their endorsement. Neurosurgeon turned delusional maniac Ben Carson will claim to have appointed Jesus Christ as his campaign manager. Not to be outdone, evangelical bigot and former governor of Arkansas Mike Huckabee will have himself crucified at a campaign rally by Ted Nugent and Chuck Norris.
March: British Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn will be scandalized by The Daily Mail when a picture of him eating falafel on its front page is used to validate previous claims that he is a terrorist sympathizer. This is seconded by Tony Blair and both Milliband brothers.
April: GOP presidential candidate and failed CEO Carly Fiorina drops out of the race after claims of having video of Hilary Clinton and Donald Trump harvesting organs at an ObamaCare death panel party are proven to be only old VHS tapes she used to record NBC's "Must See TV" Thursday night line up in the late 1980s. Everyone is impressed by how young Woody Harrelson is in those old Cheers episodes.
May: Under pressure from Euro Skeptics and a resurgent UKIP (with the new slogan of "Now with 25% more racism!") Prime Minister Boris Johnson holds a referendum on the UK's remaining in the EU. The NO vote wins by a landslide mainly because the ballots intended for Scotland were accidentally dumped into the North Sea.
June: The GOP will hold its first brokered election in decades - resulting in the party establishment nominating a Jeb Bush/Haley Barbour ticket, causing Trump to run as a 3rd party candidate with Ann Coulter as his running mate/future wife. Meanwhile, The Democrats begin preparing the victory party for the Clinton/Sanders ticket.
July: Vladmir Putin agrees to support the removal of Bashar al-Assad's government in Syria if US president Barack Obama can pin him three times in a best of five tournament. Obama manages to do it in four matches, in spite of the fact that Putin's manager Nikolai Volkov snuck into to the ring with a metal folding chair and hit the Commander in Chief across the back with it. Luckily, Obama's manager, Joe "The Delaware Demon" Biden was able to intervene and toss Volkov out of the ring.
August: Scotland overwhelmingly votes for independence - in spite of England's promise to dismiss the Scots even more than ever in the future if they stuck together. Wales offers to facilitate couples therapy but England says the one that needs therapy is Scotland for being such a "crazy bitch" and refuses to attend. A long, drawn out custody battle for the Isle of Man commences.
September: At a presidential debate featuring GOP candidate Jeb Bush, Democrat candidate Hilary Clinton, independent Donald Trump and Libertarian candidate Jesse "The Body" Ventura, Trump announces his intention to build "nice, beautiful gated communities" to house the American Muslim population. He also suggests that these communities would be hot beds of cheap domestic labor that will help "us finally beat Mexico and China". The other highlight of the debate is a pink feathered boa sporting Ventura elbow dropping Bush off the stage for refusing to reconsider the American "war on drugs".
October: Most of the media now refers to Hilary Clinton as Madame President. Meanwhile, Fox News begins running marathon footage of Jeb Bush's campaign speeches - putting nearly all of its viewers into comas. Joe Biden announces plans to open up a hydroponics shop in Washington DC following his exit from the vice presidency in January.
November: The UK leaves the EU. Prime Minister Boris Johnson spends the rest of the year sitting next to his mobile phone telling people that in any second Brussels would be calling to beg them to come back.
Clinton/Sanders win the US presidency in a massive landslide that sees the Democrats take both the House and Senate. After much consideration, the GOP decides that the reason they lost was because the party was not blatantly racist enough and changes the party mascot from an elephant to a German Shepherd attacking a civil rights activist.
December: Refusing to believe he lost, Donald Trump still campaigns, seeing a real upsurge in support from red-necks with middle school educations and neck tattoos.
It's been a great holiday season here in Oz. The roast turkey trees have been plucked clean and we are all in a tryptophan and carbs induced stupor which induces a kind of mystical trance state in those residing in magically imbued realms. In this condition we are able to peer through the temporal fog and glimpse the major happenings of 2016 and reporting them back to you.
January: UK Prime Minister David Cameron will be discovered to be the source of numerous anonymous obscene emails to Muppet star Miss Piggy. This will lead to a major religious tumult as the nation's leading imams and rabbis will be forced to declare Britain non-halal and non-kosher. The Queen will ultimately step in and citing obscure, historic law to have Cameron locked away in the Tower of London, where he is forced to pose with tourists from Texas for the next 6 months. Stepping into the leadership void for the Tory party will be London Mayor Boris Johnson.
February: The GOP primary will be in a neck-to-neck tie forcing candidates to become ever more creative in their efforts to stand out from the pack. Donald Trump will begin dressing his campaign in brown shirts and finance an expedition to the center of the earth to find the Aryan Supermen of Thule to solicit their endorsement. Neurosurgeon turned delusional maniac Ben Carson will claim to have appointed Jesus Christ as his campaign manager. Not to be outdone, evangelical bigot and former governor of Arkansas Mike Huckabee will have himself crucified at a campaign rally by Ted Nugent and Chuck Norris.
March: British Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn will be scandalized by The Daily Mail when a picture of him eating falafel on its front page is used to validate previous claims that he is a terrorist sympathizer. This is seconded by Tony Blair and both Milliband brothers.
April: GOP presidential candidate and failed CEO Carly Fiorina drops out of the race after claims of having video of Hilary Clinton and Donald Trump harvesting organs at an ObamaCare death panel party are proven to be only old VHS tapes she used to record NBC's "Must See TV" Thursday night line up in the late 1980s. Everyone is impressed by how young Woody Harrelson is in those old Cheers episodes.
May: Under pressure from Euro Skeptics and a resurgent UKIP (with the new slogan of "Now with 25% more racism!") Prime Minister Boris Johnson holds a referendum on the UK's remaining in the EU. The NO vote wins by a landslide mainly because the ballots intended for Scotland were accidentally dumped into the North Sea.
June: The GOP will hold its first brokered election in decades - resulting in the party establishment nominating a Jeb Bush/Haley Barbour ticket, causing Trump to run as a 3rd party candidate with Ann Coulter as his running mate/future wife. Meanwhile, The Democrats begin preparing the victory party for the Clinton/Sanders ticket.
July: Vladmir Putin agrees to support the removal of Bashar al-Assad's government in Syria if US president Barack Obama can pin him three times in a best of five tournament. Obama manages to do it in four matches, in spite of the fact that Putin's manager Nikolai Volkov snuck into to the ring with a metal folding chair and hit the Commander in Chief across the back with it. Luckily, Obama's manager, Joe "The Delaware Demon" Biden was able to intervene and toss Volkov out of the ring.
August: Scotland overwhelmingly votes for independence - in spite of England's promise to dismiss the Scots even more than ever in the future if they stuck together. Wales offers to facilitate couples therapy but England says the one that needs therapy is Scotland for being such a "crazy bitch" and refuses to attend. A long, drawn out custody battle for the Isle of Man commences.
September: At a presidential debate featuring GOP candidate Jeb Bush, Democrat candidate Hilary Clinton, independent Donald Trump and Libertarian candidate Jesse "The Body" Ventura, Trump announces his intention to build "nice, beautiful gated communities" to house the American Muslim population. He also suggests that these communities would be hot beds of cheap domestic labor that will help "us finally beat Mexico and China". The other highlight of the debate is a pink feathered boa sporting Ventura elbow dropping Bush off the stage for refusing to reconsider the American "war on drugs".
October: Most of the media now refers to Hilary Clinton as Madame President. Meanwhile, Fox News begins running marathon footage of Jeb Bush's campaign speeches - putting nearly all of its viewers into comas. Joe Biden announces plans to open up a hydroponics shop in Washington DC following his exit from the vice presidency in January.
November: The UK leaves the EU. Prime Minister Boris Johnson spends the rest of the year sitting next to his mobile phone telling people that in any second Brussels would be calling to beg them to come back.
Clinton/Sanders win the US presidency in a massive landslide that sees the Democrats take both the House and Senate. After much consideration, the GOP decides that the reason they lost was because the party was not blatantly racist enough and changes the party mascot from an elephant to a German Shepherd attacking a civil rights activist.
December: Refusing to believe he lost, Donald Trump still campaigns, seeing a real upsurge in support from red-necks with middle school educations and neck tattoos.
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